Katie Hood has suffered 3 miscarriages and wanted to share her journey with us. Follow along for this 3 part series, Journey to a Rainbow, where we follow Katie on her current pregnancy journey.
Man, it sucks to be trapped inside your own head. There is a tiny little voice at the back of my brain that says “You’re going to be okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Right now though, the negative thoughts overpower the tiny positive thought. It makes me feel small and useless. The drowning comes in waves. Sometimes I am able to get my head above water and cough and spit. I’m able to tread water for a few minutes, then a tsunami sized wave comes and tosses me around like a rag-doll back down to the bottom and I’m drowning again. I can’t reach the top and I can’t breathe. When the wave passes, I still can’t breathe and I’m struggling to get back to normal.
Then, I woke up and I wasn’t swallowed by the darkness that have been my emotions lately. I was able to shower without silently crying today. I was able to look at myself in the mirror today and not fully hate the reflection that I saw. Last night, I laughed with my fiance. And I laughed and I talked to him. The words might have not made 100% sense and I’m not even sure what made me laugh now; but I felt something besides misery. Thinking about it, I feel a twinge of guilt for laughing. I shouldn’t feel happy right now; I’m grieving.
I don’t think I know how to grieve nor is it something I can control. I may feel hopeful today, though who knows how I will feel tonight, tomorrow or next week. The one thing I do know about grieving is that it is an ongoing feeling.
I exercised today; it felt good. I felt like I was able to re-claim my body today. The negative thoughts came screeching to the front of my brain and then I didn’t feel good about myself anymore. I started spotting the day I exercised during my pregnancy. The first and second thoughts in my head were: “You caused it. This is your fault.” Even though I know, deep down, it’s okay to exercise while pregnant. It was a shitty coincidence that I began spotting on the day I exercised after seeing that positive test. Coincidence or not; it’s still a shitty feeling. I lost my luster and willpower to keep exercising after those thoughts and I ended my yoga session early.
I want to feel better, I want to not feel so anxious right now. My fiance has been so amazing this week and I’m proud that I was able to open up to him a bit. It’s so hard for me to express any type of emotion to a person.
I came home to sunflowers from two of my best friends. It helped put the day into perspective. Then I was visited by another best friend and my goddaughters. The laughter felt normal for once.
My son is a gift and part of my heart walking around outside my body. I hope that one day I am able to give him a sibling. It is something that he talks about. We had not told him yet; we wanted to wait; however it seems like he just knows what I’m going through. He is so intuitive.
When I had started spotting and was trying not to panic, we sat down to have dinner together as a family. Little man started talking about how his baby brother could share his bedroom. He goes “Mommy, the baby can have my small bed and I’ll sleep in my new big bed that Daddy is making me…. Mommy, I want my brother to sleep in my room.” We had not told him about the baby; it was like he just knew. The little statements like that gave me a tiny light in the dark throughout this time period.
After a few weeks, I started to feel more at peace. I still don’t feel like myself. I want to talk to my best friends, I want to talk to my fiance; but I don’t want to be a burden. I’m going to keep writing; this has helped immensely and maybe I will be able to find other women going through the same thing.
We named our third angel baby and I got a tattoo to remember “her”. My fiancé supported me through all of my decisions.
My fiancé and I made the decision, as a team, to start trying for a baby after we got the green light from the doctor. The doctor ran tests and told me that I was healthy; if there was another miscarriage; then we would sent to a fertility doctor.
I began to track my ovulation using LH test strips; I joined a support group and I communicated with my now husband (we got married during our trying to conceive time). We ate healthier and drank more water, I exercised daily and I tried not to obsess.
We ended up getting pregnant with our rainbow baby two and a half months after losing our third angel. We held our breath for 5 weeks after seeing a positive test; and then six more positive tests. I told my three best friends, he told two of his. We waited and we waited, and we made it to our first appointment! And there was a growing bundle; a healthy baby.
We waited until our second trimester to tell our families; we enjoyed keeping this joy and happiness to ourselves for a little while longer. 27 weeks down and we are looking forward to meeting our baby boy; I still get twinges of guilt and anxiety and panic when I don’t feel him move or there is a bad pain; but I have my husband and my older son to keep me level and calm.
Even after experiencing so much pain; I don’t think I would take it back. My miscarriages taught me to never take life for granted; never let one moment pass me by and to cherish everything I have now.
I’m just hoping the next 13 weeks fly by and baby boy stays in until after the baby shower!
Part 3 will be released in September after the baby is born!
Author: Katie Hood