Have you ever gathered with friends to discuss death over tea and dessert?
A few weeks ago, I received an email from Opus Yoga, a local Sixx Cool Moms Approved yoga studio I frequent. They were hosting their second Death Café. "Death Café?" I thought. "Well, as someone who will forever be goth at heart, that sounds intriguing." After further investigation, I found the Death Cafe concept truly fascinating, even if it wasn’t goth at all.
At a Death Café, a group of strangers drink tea, eat cake, and discuss death. According to deathcafe.com, "Our objective is to increase awareness of death to help people make the most of their (finite) lives."
A Death Café is a group-directed discussion with no agenda, objectives, or themes. It’s more of a discussion group than a grief support or counseling session.
Death Cafés are always:
Offered on a not-for-profit basis
Held in an accessible, respectful, and confidential space
Free from the intention of leading people to any conclusion, product, or course of action
Accompanied by refreshing drinks, nourishing food, and, of course, cake!
History of the Death Cafe
The Death Café concept was created in 2011 by Jon Underwood, a British activist and social entrepreneur. He aimed to encourage open conversations about death, a topic often considered taboo in many cultures. Inspired by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz’s “Café Mortels,” Underwood adapted the idea for a broader audience, leading to the establishment of Death Cafés worldwide.
Underwood’s work was designed to help people confront their mortality and, in doing so, live more fully. His approach was non-religious and inclusive, allowing people from all walks of life to participate. Jon Underwood passed away suddenly in 2017, but his legacy continues through the ongoing Death Café movement.
My Experience
I decided to attend because, after having my daughter and as I approach 40, I’ve been reflecting more on the inevitable end. Although I still have a lot of time left, the older I get, the faster time seems to pass, and the youthful feeling of having all the time in the world is fading. This realization caused me some anxiety, so facing this fear—and anxiety—with cake sounded very appealing.
When I arrived, I wasn’t sure what to expect. There were chairs arranged in a circle, a table of sweet treats, and a room filled with people I had never met. Despite my reason for attending being my approach to 40, at 39, I was the youngest participant. My youth made me feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings, as it’s challenging to compare my thoughts on death with someone in their 70s, who faces the loss of friends more regularly. Feeling awkward had its benefits; it allowed me to listen to others’ experiences and gain new perspectives.
We received an introduction from the group hosts, one of whom is a death doula. A death doula, also known as an end-of-life doula, is a non-medical professional who provides emotional, spiritual, and practical support to individuals and their families during the end-of-life process. Their role is similar to that of a birth doula, but they support the process of dying rather than the arrival of new life.
After the introduction, we split into two groups of about seven participants each, with leaders guiding the conversation.
The questions asked included:
What is one word that comes to mind when you think about death?
How do you feel about discussing your wishes with loved ones?
What do you think is the most important thing to communicate to your loved ones before you die?
Though there were guided questions, we frequently veered off-topic, which I believe is the point. Everyone had the chance to speak and listen.
One question that stood out was, “How old were you when you realized you were going to die?” I couldn’t recall when I didn’t know life was on a timeline. Since childhood, I’ve always had a mental countdown for life events. At 15, I thought if I took care of myself, I’d have 80 years left. At 25, it was 70 years. Now, at 39, I think about being 95 and panic about my countdown. I want to enjoy life rather than count down the time I have left. This realization was a significant takeaway for me.
Final Thoughts
While I’m not sure if I feel better about the inevitable end, understanding my thoughts on death and connecting with people who have different values and life experiences is vital to the human experience. I’m grateful for the opportunity to listen, share, and learn.
And you can start your own Death Café! Learn more about this movement and how to start your own Death Café event HERE.
What are your thoughts and feelings on death? Have you attended a Death Café? Drop your story in the comments!
Author: Jenna Levine Liu, Founder and President of Sixx Cool Moms. You can follow Jenna on Facebook, Instagram, and begrudgingly TikTok
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